About Me #2
I spend a lot of time trying not to give in to despair. The creature some have called The Black Dog dogs me. I vaccillate between self-aggrandizement and self-loathing; I don't seem to have a "medium" setting: I'm a fucking goddess or I'm filth. I'm a genius or I'm decaying and deluded. When I'm sane, I recognize that I'm a normal, middling human creature with normal, middling ills and fortunes. This middlingness irks me; I want to be special. I despise my vainglory in wanting it. I'm also convinced I'll die prematurely of some stupid, self-inflicted, patently avoidable ill, and that nothing I do can possibly matter or last.
This black dog of mine frightens small children and strong men. Except my fella, bless him, who just rolls his eyes and reminds me that tomorrow I'll believe I'm a goddess.
So I will. Mañana, then!
This black dog of mine frightens small children and strong men. Except my fella, bless him, who just rolls his eyes and reminds me that tomorrow I'll believe I'm a goddess.
So I will. Mañana, then!
posted by Alison at 6:22 PM
4 Comments:
Snap. I'm finding it a little easier to look forward to the days that are bright, thanks in no small part to Sue, and (I think) distance from the city. Masses of people make me more depressed than anything. I think the fact that our life here takes some work to keep going - enjoyable work with a small but visible result (ie eggs) helps dispel despair. And getting presents in the mail. Even if they're from me.
I have always been annoyingly optimistic ,so an event based bout of absolute despair (about 4 years ago)really knocked me off my trolly.
I remember standing at my work bench at 5am kneading bread and the local news on the radio was about a 35 year old woman had been seen swimming out to sea (mid winter) ,she was assumed dead ,I wondered briefly if it was me.
It wasn't but she was a friend and her death woke me up-I couldn't help her but I could get my life back together.I do love my life.
Im not going to try and resign in because I allways lose my comment.
Sue.
Damn dog.
Depression - I've leaned that way most of my life. two things that have helped are reading the Bible and discovering I've had Lyme disease since childhood. As I heal, the depressin seems to weaken. The Bible puts things into perspective. Love, Another Sue
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